by Sarina Campbell
Walking back to my room from the Office of Spiritual Life at Oakwood University was a bit different that day. I had just come from leading our weekly meeting and the cloud that had shown up without invitation seemed to linger. It was a sunny day, but I was feeling heavy and cloudy. The weather outside did not match how I was feeling at all.
Being a ministry leader was rewarding, but it could also get lonely. You’re surrounded by people and encouraging them in their spiritual walks even when you’re not quite sure where you stand at times. A lot is expected of you and part of that expectation involves others assuming how strong your faith is at any given time.
As I got closer to my destination, I startled myself as I suddenly looked up to the sky and blurted out words that terrified me: “Why don’t I believe you love me?!” Even typing that brings me back to that moment. I heard God say, “Thank you,” and I immediately asked, “Why?’, to which He replied, “For being honest.” The conversation ended there, but it was the beginning of a new understanding for me. That exchanged revealed to me that I had become accustomed to showing up to my relationship with Christ in a timid way. I had not been taught to just ask the questions that burned in my mind. And when I felt abandoned, I didn’t let myself really feel it. I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge my uncertainties because I wasn’t “supposed” to be unsure, right? But my conditioning was incorrect. And the crazy thing was that Scripture didn’t even share that sentiment!
I’ve learned that God isn’t scared of my doubts. God isn’t taken aback by my worries. God isn’t shaken by my fears. God is not rattled by my questions. He’s inviting our faith AND our questions. God wants all of us…all of me. I love how this passage reads in The Message Bible:
“Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.”
Hebrews 4:14-16 MSG
If you’re reading this, I hope you realize that your questions are not silly or unwanted. I hope you embrace a picture of a God who welcomes your fears and wants to ease your mind. My walk with Jesus is ever-changing, and I’m learning that there is no one “right way” to reach Him, because He’s reaching out for us right where we are. And for that, I’ll always be grateful.
Sarina Campbell is a Business Owner with a youth and young adult ministry background who has a heart for both Jesus and people. Also a wife and mother, she enjoys sharing her thoughts on spirituality, life, entrepreneurship, and love.
Love it! So realll and so trueee!! Thank you!
Love this! It triggered a thought in my mind, though my story is different. I had wondered for years whether God still loved me or whether I was worthy of His grace because of something I did many years ago…. I spent a lot of time lifting praise to Him, and sharing His love with people around me… but not feeling worthy myself. It wasn’t until I finally asked… asked for His grace… spoke aloud my short comings to HIM (though He knew)…. that I was released from that bondage I had placed on myself. My spirit felt free. I have not turned back. God does encourages our questions and He answers, if we listen. And, He loves when we talk to Him, even if it is asking questions.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing Alisa!!