First-Time Fatherhood

Since the birth of our son, quite a few people have asked me, “How does it feel to be a father?” and I’ve never had a real answer. I’ve always said something along the lines of, “I don’t know,” or “I’m still processing it.” To be honest, at the moment of writing this, I still don’t believe I have an answer to that question, yet here I am writing on fatherhood, writing an answer to the question I’ve dodged for the last 3 months. So how do I feel? I have given it quite a bit of thought and there are a few feelings that I can point to.

The first emotion I’m working through is scared. I’ve always wanted to be a father, but I never truly understood the gravity of what that title held. Being a father meant I had to be a protector, priest, and provider for my family. And as a husband, you can add on the title of the “pursuer” of my wife. I guess the naivety was born out of how easy my dad made it seem to do all of those things for my brother and I. Never once did I worry about life while growing up. I didn’t have to worry about my next meal, clothes, or where we were going to sleep that night. I never worried about not getting birthday or Christmas presents. And don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying that if you did face these things, your dad wasn’t a great dad or that he didn’t try his best. I’m saying that based on my reality, fatherhood seemed effortless. I liken the feeling of being scared to the time when I turned 21. My parents sent me a card and the gist of it was “Welcome to adulthood, no turning back now!” I was terrified. It meant that I had to start being more responsible. I was about to graduate from college, head off to grad school, and I was officially about to live on my own for the first time. I had to get a real job and pay most of my bills now. All of that hit me at once and I was honestly scared. I was scared, but I didn’t run. Instead, I leaned into the challenge of adulthood and I’m still learning how to be a decent functioning adult. Now, I’m a husband and a father and again, I’m leaning into this new transition of life. There’s no turning back now. I read in a book somewhere that the difference between being scared and being excited is the way you think about the situation. The physiological response for both feelings is almost identical. So to be fair, I’m more excited than I am scared of being a father.

I’ve also learned that even with the work I’ve done on my ego, I still have quite a way to go (I sound pretty high and mighty there, I know). It’s funny because shortly after my son was born, my ego took a hit. All of a sudden I felt inadequate. I’m going to choose my next set of words wisely and I must admit this feeling was borne out of pride that got put in its place. Here goes. As a man, I have this inherent desire to want to feel needed. Naturally, when my son was born, I felt as if I would be the main one to give him the comfort that he needed. I was wrong. I’ll never forget the night when he was just crying and crying and nothing I did consoled him. However, his mother, in all her glory and love, was able to take him and soothe him to sleep. I was jealous, and in the immediate moment after that feeling, I asked myself, “Why do you feel this way? Why do you feel hurt? Bruised?” That taught me a lesson in humility. Sometimes (more often than not, to be honest), you can’t fix or solve all the problems. Know your limitations and let someone do the things you can’t. 

Lastly, I have had a mixture of feelings that can only be described as “pride and joy.” I’ve loved my son since before he was born, and to be able to hold him in my arms allowed a rush of pride and happiness to flow through me. I helped create this amazing human being. My son, my namesake, my seed. As I thought of all the things he’ll accomplish, lives he’ll impact, the company he’ll keep, pride was the only thing I felt. It was a deep sense of satisfaction and pleasure in believing wholeheartedly in the man I know my son will become. No matter how scared or how bruised my ego is, I will always love, protect, and provide for him. I vow to ensure that he can pursue his dreams and goals with my support. I vow to be the best dad I possibly can. 

So what’s it like being a father? This is my answer… for now. This journey has only just begun.

– James C