We all need to know where our beliefs stem from and why, but knowing what you think about something doesn’t mean much if you don’t spend time considering how what you think impacts what you do. Most, if not all, world religions/ideologies encourage us to be “good” people, but what does being “good” look like? Is being “good” based more on what we do (behavior) or on who we are (character)?
Here’s what we know:
- The word character refers to “the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.” The word behavior refers to “the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially toward others.”
- Behavior modification is defined as “the alteration of behavioral patterns through the use of such learning techniques as biofeedback and positive or negative reinforcement.”
- Behavior modification utilizes the idea that good behavior should lead to positive consequences and bad behavior should lead to negative consequences.
- The four main techniques used to encourage behavior modification are:
- Positive Punishment – adding a consequence that will deter a person from repeating the behavior. Ex.: Giving a child an extra chore as a consequence for lying when asked if he cleaned his room.
- Negative Punishment – involves removing something from a person. Examples include taking away privileges or removing positive attention.
- Positive Reinforcement – giving a person something that reinforces good behavior. Discipline that relies mostly on positive reinforcement is usually very effective. Examples of positive reinforcement include praise or a reward system.
- Negative Reinforcement – a person is motivated to change her behavior because it will take away something unpleasant. Negative reinforcement can be less effective than positive reinforcement. Ex. a child who stops a behavior because her parent yells at her is trying to get rid of the negative reinforcer (the yelling).
Most people would probably agree that positive behaviors are good things to encourage and be supportive of. Most people support things like donating to charity, being polite to everyone, giving a hug or a kind word to someone who is feeling down, etc. And individual communities and society as a whole provide both positive and negative reinforcement for all manner of things. That said, the question may be less about character development instead of behavior modification and more about how we go about finding a balance between the two.
Finding balance may seem pretty straightforward, but things can get tricky. Why? Because while there are positive and negative behaviors that most of us can agree on, there are some behaviors that most people can’t agree on. Some people believe certain things are okay, and other people believe those things are not okay. Further, some people disagree with certain behaviors to the extent that they believe that it’s society’s responsibility or their community’s responsibility to make sure no one engages in those behaviors. So how do we find that balance?
The important thing to remember is that love is the rule, so everything we believe AND everything we do should stem from the principle of unconditional love. In this context, love should perhaps lead us to ask ourselves questions, such as:
- What behaviors do I consider to be “good”, and why? Does my belief stem from my own understanding and conviction? Does my belief stem from someone else’s understanding/conviction and my concern for what they will think of me or do to me?
- How do I prioritize the behaviors I consider to be “good” (i.e. the positive behaviors that are the most important and have the most impact on the world around you may take priority over the positive behaviors that are less important because they have less impact)?
- When I do something I believe is good, what’s my motivation/intention? Do I do good because I want to be rewarded/viewed positively by other people? Do I do good because I’m afraid of receiving punishment/negative feedback from other people? Do I do good because I am convicted in my heart that I should?
- What type of punishment/reinforcement am I most responsive to? When I want to improve myself, what kind of feedback inspires me the most? Who, if anyone, do I feel safe and confident receiving feedback from? What makes me feel safe and confident in this person(s)?
And if you see someone exhibiting behaviors that you believe are negative:
- Is this behavior causing immediate and/or irreparable physical, mental, and/or emotional harm to this person, me, or someone else? Note: If the answer is yes, you may need to consider getting a family member and/or law enforcement involved.
- Does this person believe their behavior is negative?
- What is my relationship with this person? How well do I know this person? How well does this person know me? Have they explicitly invited me to give them feedback?
- What is my motive/intent in giving feedback? Are my intentions pure, unselfish, and genuine? Am I being honest with myself about my intentions?
- How does my feedback stand to benefit this person? Is there any way my feedback could potentially do more harm than good?
- What kind of punishment/reinforcement is this person most responsive to? Am I communicating my feedback effectively? Am I communicating my feedback in a way that reflects my understanding of the person I am sharing it with?
We don’t have the power to make people change or to force them to agree with us on what constitutes “good” or “bad”, but we do have the power to live our own lives consistently with what we believe and to support and encourage others in their pursuit to do the same. Loving means being present, being engaged, avoiding making assumptions, and putting our own egos and agendas aside in order to do what’s best for each other. We probably won’t always agree on everything, but being there for each other and working together towards being the best people we can be isn’t a bad start.
What do you think? Is behavior modification good or bad? What motivates you to change things about yourself: fear or conviction or both? Has anyone ever tried to change you? If so, how did that make you feel? What does being a “good” person or doing “good” mean to you? Let us know in the comments below!