By Kara M. Young
If you’ve been on social media within the last couple of weeks, you know that Netflix’s “Love is Blind” has taken the internet by storm, not only because of “The Experiment”, but also because, *Spoiler Alert*, male bisexuality seemingly ruined one of the relationships. This sparked a Twitter firestorm and #BisexualMenExist has been trending. In particular, people have been debating whether or not it’s “biphobic” for people to “prefer” to date someone who is not bisexual. It got my wheels turning, and I think this discussion illustrates an issue a lot of us talk about, but few of us seem to fully grasp: preferences.
Society has taken a turn towards broader inclusion and representation of demographics who have previously been relegated to the fringes. This has been met with both praise and criticism, but one of the mostly hotly debated aspects of the conversation has been acceptance and inclusion on a personal level, particularly with regard to romantic relationships. Things that were previously viewed as mere “preferences” are now being associated with the negative stereotypes and biases against certain groups that have been perpetuated by society. On the one hand, many agree that it is important to address personal biases that cause one to have an irrational aversion to certain characteristics. However, many people feel attacked when what they feel are harmless preferences are labeled as being rooted in bigotry, patriarchy, misogyny, phobias, self-hate, ignorance, etc. Preferences in favor of marginalized characteristics are less likely to be criticized and, generally speaking, the most vocal opponents of a given preference are those whom the preference excludes.
The biggest question in my mind when I encounter these debates is, “What do we do about it?” I think a lot of conversations are had about a lot of things but, in my opinion, very few of those conversations end with practical solutions that make sense for everyone. For example, we can acknowledge that it’s wrong to mistreat or exclude people from entertainment and media solely based on what they look like or who they love, but how does acknowledging that and re-working the system ultimately change what people believe or feel towards others? Fun Fact: the Supreme Court kind of addressed this in Shelley v. Kraemer. In Shelley, a Black family sued after buying a house that came with a restrictive covenant that did not allow Black or Asian people to occupy the property. The court held that the 14th Amendment’s Equal Protection Clause doesn’t allow states to enforce racially discriminatory housing covenants. However, the court also held that private parties could abide by the terms of racially restrictive covenants. Essentially, the government isn’t supposed to be racist, but people can be, and while the government can protect its citizens to an extent, it can’t change what’s in someone’s heart or mind. Society can’t really do that, either. We can bully people into silence, but we can’t make them appreciate or agree with things they’re dead-set against supporting. If anything, bullying the bullies just creates resentment and makes them double-down on the negative views they already have.
So what can we do? For starters, we can inform ourselves and take the time to understand the differences between preferences and biases, phobias, bigotry, etc. Next, we can self-evaluate and figure out what about someone else’s opinion makes us feel insecure and what our own preferences and biases are. Lastly, we may not be able to change other people, but we can work on ourselves and impact the people around us and the spaces we occupy.
What are “preferences” versus what makes a person “phobic”?
Preferences and phobias are not the same thing, but sometimes they’re used interchangeably for the sake of making a point, so let’s clarify: phobic means “having or involving an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something”; a preference is “a greater liking for one alternative over another or others.” Now, let’s illustrate using the conversation surrounding biphobia as an example. Biphobia is an “aversion toward bisexuality and toward bisexual people as a social group or as individuals. It can take the form of denial that bisexuality is a genuine sexual orientation, or of negative stereotypes about people who are bisexual (such as the beliefs that they are promiscuous or dishonest).” A preference is a greater liking for heterosexuality over bisexuality, homosexuality, etc. There is a difference, however, it is possible for preferences to be informed by or based on an irrational aversion to certain characteristics based on negative stereotypes, bias, ignorance, etc. This is often demonstrated by people using negative stereotypes or other statements rooted in bias/ignorance as a basis for justifying or explaining their preferences.
Continuing to use biphobia as an example and based on the definitions we now have of preferences versus phobias, it’s fair to conclude that it is not inherently biphobic to prefer to be with someone who is heterosexual. However, it is biphobic to allow stigma and ignorance to inform your preferences, and that’s an important distinction to make. For example, saying “My religious beliefs don’t align with the beliefs of someone who feels comfortable living that lifestyle and being in spiritual alignment with my partner is important to me” or “I’m heterosexual and I want to be with someone who is heterosexual” is not the same as saying “I can’t be with a bisexual man because he’s obviously a closeted gay man who’d probably end up cheating on me with men and infecting me with HIV (I know that sounds harsh, but it’s a summation of some of the more common myths associated with bisexual men).”
The takeaway is that you can have preferences and like who you like without perpetuating stereotypes and bigotry as a means of justifying your preferences. That applies to everyone and everything, not just biphobia.
The Big Picture
Taking what we just learned about preferences and phobias and applying them more broadly, I think it’s important to take a hard look at how and why we convolute the two. Often times, it appears that people immediately get defensive at any expression of a preference that doesn’t include them or any criticism of people they share certain characteristics with, automatically being offended by it….but that’s not really fair, is it? First, why do so many of us have such a “knee-jerk” reaction to hearing that there’s something about us that someone else doesn’t like? What causes that? And is it that person’s fault for saying how they feel, or is something going on inside of us that sparks a visceral response? Second, why assume the preference is rooted in something negative? Or, even if it’s clear that the preference is rooted in something negative, what does that mean for you? Are you bothered by it because this particular person’s preference actually impacts your life? Are you bothered by it because you’re taking it personally? Are you bothered by it because it speaks to old wounds caused by someone else? And what can you actually do about any of it? Are you managing your expectations and being honest with yourself about what is actually within your power to change/control, or are you investing your time, energy, and emotions into responses/solutions that ultimately won’t address what’s going on inside of you and/or make you feel better?
These questions are important to consider because the answers have serious implications on how we address issues of inclusion and what we require from others versus what we require from ourselves. Inclusion and acceptance are important, especially systemically, but taking it to extremes on an interpersonal level suggests that everyone has to be open to involvement with anyone who might be interested in having a relationship with them (this can apply to platonic relationships, too) because there aren’t any “valid” reasons for preferring one characteristic over other alternatives. That doesn’t sound like too much fun, does it? Because the truth is that, if we’re being honest with ourselves, we all have preferences. We all have biases. We all have things that we are and are not attracted to and things that we are and are not willing to bring into our everyday lives and spaces. And maybe most importantly, we all have things about us that someone somewhere probably doesn’t like. At what point do we decide to own who we are rather than looking for outside validation and start appreciating the people and the spaces that make room for us as we are? Or if those people or those spaces don’t exist, creating them rather than trying to force our way into places where we aren’t wanted?
It’s a lot to think about lol but that brings us to the accountability piece. How do all of the questions and all of the thinking translate to change? First, acceptance is the initial step. You have to accept that you aren’t for everyone and everyone isn’t for you and that is OKAY. Second, you have to ask yourself some questions and give yourself some honest answers, because those answers will give you clarity for the last step, which is: figuring out what you have to do to heal and move forward and then doing it.
The Solution: Personal Accountability
As has already been stated, You can’t change other people; you can only change yourself. It may seem a bit cliché to say, but it’s true. We can’t make other people be different or do better, but we CAN heal, we CAN set an example by holding ourselves to a higher standard, and we CAN show compassion towards others because we understand that personal accountability is a journey, not a destination.
Healing requires accepting that you’re responsible for your own healing. It’s nice to receive apologies or to have our feelings validated, but we can’t put our own healing on hold while we wait for someone else to acknowledge that they’ve mistreated us. That day may never come, meanwhile we’re stuck at a standstill because we’re looking outside of ourselves for something we can decide to overcome on our own. Personally, I usually only find myself getting defensive when someone touches on something I’m already insecure about. If I’m not insecure, I usually don’t care, because my emotions or my past pain aren’t clouding my view and I’m able to see that that person’s opinion isn’t personal, or even when it is, it has no bearing on my reality. I’ve really had to learn to be intentional about focusing less on what someone else said or did and focusing more on why it made me feel the way it did and what I can do on my end to avoid feeling that way in the future. Healing takes back your power. It allows you to refrain from getting defensive about things that aren’t personal and that most likely don’t actually matter in the context of YOUR life. It allows you to have clarity on situations where bias and phobias are exhibited, which enables you to address those things effectively, in a way that generates real solutions rather than mere catharsis. To be clear, I am NOT saying that we shouldn’t speak out against injustice, bigotry, hate, ignorance, etc. I AM saying that lashing out at people in anger/pain has proven to be ineffective. It often just serves to make things worse. There are ways to firmly and clearly communicate that something is wrong without attacking and alienating your audience. Also, keeping a clear head enables you to keep things in perspective, i.e. does it really matter if I don’t fit a specific person’s preference? Is this someone I really want to be involved with, especially given the information I have on their feelings toward characteristics that apply to me?
Personal accountability also means holding yourself to the same standards you hold others to. You can’t expect to receive a love and respect that you don’t give. You can’t perpetuate negative stereotypes or bigotry toward others and then be upset when someone else does the same to you. You can’t reserve the right to have your own preferences about what you do or do not like and then be upset when someone else has preferences that exclude you. Again, you’re not for everyone and everyone isn’t for you. The sooner you learn to own who you are and everything that comes with the territory of being you, the sooner you can stop worrying about the people who you don’t fit with and the sooner you can start focusing on the people who you do fit with.
Lastly, compassion is free. It takes nothing but intention and a little bit of effort to treat others the way you want to be treated. You never know what someone has been through and the world desperately needs people who are more committed to loving and setting the standard than they are committed to being “right” and giving an eye for an eye. You may not always receive compassion and you can’t control that, but you can choose to be kind to yourself. You can control what you put out into the world and how you choose to treat people. If you don’t like to be stereotyped or belittled or viewed as less-than because of someone else’s bias, don’t turn around and do that to someone else. Don’t be ashamed of being yourself and liking what you like, but be aware of what informs your preferences and always treat others with the kindness and respect you want to be treated with.
When we know better, we do better, so know better and do better because you CAN.